Around the world in three hours

Depending on which guidebook you read, or which website you visit, you get differing takes on the town of Shenzhen, situated on mainland China just across the border from Hong Kong. The best way I can summarize these reviews is to say that it felt like I'd be visiting the Chinese equivalent of New Jersey. Those of you who have been to NJ know what I'm talking about.

So it came as a surprise when I got off the train and was greeted by a modern downtown with clean streets and a gleaming subway system. There were the expected number of highrises and expensive shopping malls, and in general things didn't look too shabby. It was also obvious that I was back in China proper. English was a luxury again, touts were out hunting for anyone who looked like a foreigner, and pork was sprinkled generously on all food items, including dessert.

Having lost my guidebook on the train ride over, I suggested to my friend Dan that we head over to the nearest hotel concierge and pretend to look like guests asking for the day's recommended activities. The ruse worked like a charm, and after grabbing some food we were off to see Window of the World.

Again, perhaps due to everything I'd read, I had low expectations and was simply looking to spend the day in Shenzhen before heading back to Hong Kong. However, this interesting theme park was a joy to wander, and the steep ticket price (roughly US$15) was totally worth it. The park's objective, it quickly became obvious, was to display the world's greatest monuments in miniature form. Cheesy you say, but not when you're actually there. For an avid traveler, a place like this is a dream come true. Where else are you going to see the Taj Mahal and the Lincoln Memorial on the same day?

The really bizarre effect the park had was not of the accurate replica of everything you've ever wanted to see, but of seeing these replicas next to each other. You'd be standing beside a faithful replica of the Sydney Opera House, and be looking across a body of water at the streets of Venice. Or you'd find yourself walking the grounds of Easter Island, and look across the way to admire the distinctive Manhattan skyline (with the Twin Towers still intact). Surreal. My friend Dan took the shot below of the Great Pagoda in Burma with the Eiffel Tower in the background. (The Eiffel Tower, by the way, was a 1/3 replica of the real thing, and towered over everything else in the park.)

Then there were other fun picture moments, such as when I came across a kid playing with some ants, while behind him loomed Ayer's rock in Australia. The actual rock monolith is 350 metres tall, but somehow I felt that if this kid's ants started climbing the replica rock, that he'd climb right along with them and be at the top in no time.

Ah, Paris. I've always wanted to go, and now I don't have to.

Just in case we forgot our history, the park threw in the dinosaurs as well, which I guess could be considered ... monuments?

But the craziest item in the park was the the replica of Mont Blanc, which had been hollowed out inside, and set up with a real-life ski slope. Yes, tropical China has now committed the same folly that Dubai has with its indoor ski-slope.

The real amusement came from looking at the Chinese tourists, who had obviously never skied before, don snow gear over their shorts and t-shirts and then try to master stopping techniques as they careened down on their skis and snowboards. It's always easy to make fun of people from behind a glass wall.

With all the unexpected fun that we had at the park, Dan and I were quite tired by the time we returned to the border. Still, I had promised Saeeda I would pay a visit to the famed shopping complex called LoWu Commercial City (a massive mall) to pick up some "cheap" designer bags for her. I can't really convey what this place was like, other than to say it was the chaos of an outdoor bazaar tightly confined within the walls of a mall.

1,500 tiny stores (I'm not joking about that number) were stuffed into ever corner, and sold everything from dinosaur eggs ("authentic, real, come look, look - special price for you!") to risque underwear, to knock-off designer wear. Aggressive keepers hunted for tourists, grabbing you by the sleeve to show you the latest knockoff watch. Touts exclaiming they had the best DVD collection would basically assault you as you came off an escalator. It took a while to get used to, but eventually I just started using Dan as a shield everywhere I went.

The irony of the police walking the avenues of the mall was not lost upon us, especially because there was not one authentic item on sale anywhere. If you want to understand the frustration of international brands when they point to the blatant copyright infringement that occurs in China, you need only to come to Shenzhen. At one point Dan decided that he wanted to pick up some DVDs, and the closest shopkeeper to Dan pounced on him and led him (and therefore me) to a back store tucked away behind shuttered shops. Once we were inside, the shopkeeper closed the shutters for our store as well, radio-ed someone and began showing us catalogs of movies, some of which weren't even out in US theaters yet.

Once Dan had picked out the movies that he wanted, our man would radio someone, and a slab would open up in the ceiling, from which would drop the requested DVDs. It was bizarre - you couldn't see who was doing the dropping, or why it had to be the ceiling. Wouldn't a panel in the wall be more convenient? I can't believe that the police patrolling the place have no idea this goes on. Once the purchase was complete, there was a flurry of radio communication, shutters were cautiously opened, and we were escorted back to the main escalators (good thing too, because I don't think we'd have made it back on our own).

Not to make it sound like Dan was the only one who bought fake things. I did my own part to exert downward price pressure on the accessories of the rich by picking up leather goods and some Gucci wallets. My bargaining skills have improved since I've been in China, and I made out quite well. I'll leave out the exact details in case I need to give one of you a gift sometime in the future - I wouldn't want you to think that I would ever pawn off a fake product on you. Just know that I left with enough designer goods to make it look like I have a job on Wall Street.