Jack Bauer vs. Jason Bourne

This past weekend I saw the greatest action movie of the summer. The Bourne Ultimatum stars a dark and world-weary Jason Bourne, ready to beat people silly to get answers that will put his demons to rest. Matt Damon is phenomenal as Jason Bourne, and over the course of the three movies he has truly made the role his own. As I left the theater after what felt like a non-stop, two hour adrenaline rush, I started thinking about other uber-spies, and how they stacked up against each other. For whatever reason, the first name that popped into my head was that of 24's Jack Bauer (perhaps because I have come to find him increasingly irritating lately).

The best way to determine the better agent in anything other than a barroom brawl in a closed room is to look at the major weapons in each agent's arsenal: street smarts, tech smarts, and martial arts. I would define street smarts as an awareness of one's environment and the ability to manipulate said environment; tech smarts would be the ability to use advanced technology to one's advantage; and martial arts would be one's proficiency in combat (armed and unarmed).

Street Smarts

While both Bauer and Bourne show amazing street smarts, I feel that Bourne has the upper hand here. Bauer is overly reliant on CTU assistance for many of his infiltrations and enemy confrontations. Be it multiple gigabyte blueprints that are instantly transmitted to his PDA or his near constant voice connection to CTU via an always-charged cell phone, Bauer is constantly supported by CTU. Bourne, on the other hand, has repeatedly proven to adapt and improvise solo in order to make his way out of, or into, any location - be it highly-guarded embassies, covert CIA headquarters, or off-the-grid safe-houses. Bourne comes equipped with an innate sixth sense that lets him adapt spontaneously to whatever environment he finds himself in, whereas Bauer cannot do so without CTU assistance. Advantage Bourne.

Tech Smarts

I will not try to argue the absurdity of the technology at Bauer's disposal. Even if you disregard the fact that all of the US's spy satellites are seemingly at Bauer's disposal whenever he gets bored, even the least tech-savvy has to admit that some of the things on 24 defy common sense. My favorite remains a scene from season 1, where Bauer is looking over Chloe's shoulder while they try to figure out the connection between a plane bombing and a train derailment. Although I'm hazy on the details, I remember Bauer asking Chloe to hack into some airline's database to pull the passenger manifest for the last week (done at the push of a button), and then to hack into the train's logs for the last week (also done at the push of a button). He then tells Chloe to "merge the databases" which, amazingly, Chloe does and ... wait for it ... you actually see the visual representations of these two "databases" merging on screen. There's not enough room on this blog for me to explain how ridiculous this is on multiple levels, but unfortunately, we have to use that which we are given. And unfortunately CTU LA has at its disposal some of the craziest technology in the world.

Bourne, on the other hand, uses little to no technology, and instead gets his information the old fashioned way - surveillance, informants, or good-old physical coercion. Bourne's tech smarts come in the form of knowledge of surveillance and tracking techniques, and how best to defeat these. Case in point: the CIA's best minds spend three movies trying to track him, and Bourne is able to consistently evade his hunters. This then just comes down to what is better - having technology at your disposal, or having the ability to defeat that technology. I'm a technophile, and I have to believe that you can't outrun technology forever, so Advantage Bauer.

Martial Arts

I've been a practitioner of the martial arts for the last 13 years (with stupid b-school getting in the way of things), and although I'm no walking killing machine, I have some knowledge of the combat depicted in 24 and in the Bourne movies. Jack Bauer's single greatest martial art move appears to be his ability to yell at amazingly loud levels whenever he confronts an opponent - "MY NAME IS JACK BAUER. PUT YOUR HANDS UP OR I WILL SHOOT!" This usually turns his opponents into quivering masses of jello. If, however, this does not work, Jack will put someone in a choke hold, strike the side of their neck, or generally do something equally goofy that works every time for him. It doesn't matter whether Jack's opponent is a mall security guard or the Presidential Secret Service detail. They all fall for simple punch-kick routines.

Bourne, on the other hand, kicks major ass using impressive martial arts techniques. You only have to watch him combat the assassins sent to eliminate him to understand how lethal Bourne can be using everyday items (heck, in the second movie he beat a German assassin silly using just a paper magazine). From what 24 provides, I can't believe that a Bauer-Bourne fight would last long at all. Advantage Bourne.

Winner: Jason Bourne

So there you have it. Jason Bourne is the better spy. And I'm glad, because while 24 has devolved into a nuisance that I refuse to watch next season, the Bourne series have spent time working on realism. We see Bourne's vulnerability, we see him get hurt, we feel the pain of every punch that he lands. Bauer just runs around scowling and yelling at people.

By the way, while I was writing this, I realized that there are three "JB" initialled heroes that I know of in the same genre - Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne, and James Bond. Further, a "J" first name appears quite popular: "Jim" Phelps of Mission Impossible, "John" McLane of Die Hard, and "Jack" Ryan of Tom Clancy novels come to mind right away. Why is "JB" so popular? Why is a simple first name starting with "J" a passport to becoming a super-cop? Or am I just a victim of a selection bias?