I went to college. No, change that. I went to a good college. One of the best in the country, where I earned a degree in systems engineering with a minor in economic systems. I learned how to resolve complex thermodynamic problems, how to create virtual desktop environments using C++, and how to crunch differential equations for breakfast. In doing so, I sank four years of my life and thousands of dollars of my parents' hard earned money into getting a degree that I hoped was going to serve me well for the rest of my life.
Yeah, right.
Last weekend I tried to optimistically tackle the assembly of our baby's crib, it's swing, and the stroller. Not only were the instructions arcane ("Insert an M5 x 30 mm bolt through the opening in the opposite side of the upper seat tube, and tighten three quarters of a turn anti-clockwise using an Allen wrench"), but they were peppered with bold red warning symbols alongside statements such as "WARNING! Make sure that components click into place. Not doing so poses a serious hazard to your child's safety, and could result in permanent injury."
Exactly how was I supposed to keep a cool-head in situations like these? All I could do was obsessively ask myself, "Did I hear a click? Was that the right click? Did it click loud enough? What if it didn't? Will this kill my child?" Inevitably, I would disassemble and reassemble everything until I heard a loud enough click.
And then there was the stroller. This amazingly over-engineered product with levers and release buttons situated all over its body puts any Transformer character to shame. Touch one button with the right amount of pressure, and the device magically collapses into itself, in the process defying the laws of physics and taking up less room than should be possible. Flip another lever while stepping on another part of the stroller, and it instantly transforms into a sturdy device for transporting your child. The only problem is that the force, and the direction in which it has to be applied, is so precise that it takes you hours to master the proper techniques for opening and closing the contraption. My wife gave up after 30 minutes, which now means that I'm going to be the poor slob who will have to struggle with the stroller for the entire duration of my child's toddler years.
By the end of the day I was a sweaty mess, dehydrated and exhausted. This child better appreciate all that I'm doing for it.
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Happy belated birthday (I think... something Facebook flashed me but I wasn't sure. If I'm wrong, I'm only off by half a year, max)
ReplyDeleteI can't help but notice you said it rather than he or she. Excited?
Or just minimize the amount of time the kid gets in the stroller. You remember all the stairs for the subway and stuff here in NYC - I rarely used the stroller for that reason. And now, at 2.5 years, he walks everywhere. Hooray.
ReplyDeleteIn all likelihood, your child is going to poop on the crib...perhaps that's one way of saying thanks when you can't speak ;-)? When's the big day?
ReplyDeleteThat was absolutely brilliant...I laughed hysterically...remind me again why you aren't writing an opinion piece for the Chicago-Sun Times...
ReplyDeleteThe engineering school thing is fine, but then you went to business school. Clearly now you're only capable of ordering minions to assemble cribs.
ReplyDelete..great read!:)
hah! welcome to the world of manufactured children's products. i recommend avoiding them whenever possible! :)
ReplyDeleteand that said, as an editor, i constantly have to wonder what schmucks write or translate (and don't edit) the instruction manuals for things.
that said, i will keep my fingers crossed that the crib doesn't eat nuha. she does look like a tasty morsel ...
hee.
Nice to see another new Dad struggling with the simplest of things. I remember when I built Yousef's crib... it was ridiculous. I had to bring in reinforcements, Hina's friend Amana had to come over to give me advice. And strollers are even more ridiculous. I can't count how many times I have bruised my shin trying to open the damn thing. Good luck and congratulations! I will pray for your Nuha's health inshAllah!
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